Loneliness is America's Torturous Parasite

The lowest point of my life was when I began having reoccurring thoughts of suicide in my early 20s.

The root of these thoughts stemmed from something that I'm noticing is pervasive in America, especially among young people: Loneliness.

I moved to the Nashville area believing that I had a friend locally who would have a place for me to stay but I later found out that much of what they told me was a lie.

After going through a short homeless spell, I found my way into an apartment but I also found a nemesis.

I was fortunate to have a job prior to moving there and it was a safe haven for me. I loved my co-workers and enjoyed my job but the hardest part was always going home because I knew no one was waiting for me there.

I volunteered to work overtime not because I needed the money but because I was dreadfully lonely. My work days alternated every week: always 12 hour shifts with 4 days on, 3 days off then 3 days, 4 days off. Those weeks when I had 4 days off were unbearable; I hated it.

Waking up in a mostly empty apartment, in a town where I don't really know anyone (besides my coworkers) and with nowhere to go took a huge toll on my mental state with every passing week.

I would go to Panera Bread for 2-6 hours to use their free Wi-Fi and be around people but eventually, I was destined to go back to a place that was the representation of how I felt internally: empty & lonely.

The nights I couldn't get friends on the phone were the worst because those conversations were keeping me alive. I sometimes would go to bed crying because I didn't know what else to do. Those are the moments when those forbidden thoughts cross your mind & you consider it.

That's when you question your decisions & life choices. I moved for a better opportunity for future skills but was lied to. I had spent a year raising my son every day and suddenly I was away from him & which ate at me every day. I missed him every day and I regretted my decision.

At the time, I would frequently listen to a song by Gnarls Barkley called "Just a Thought" where he describes going through depression and how suicide crossed his mind but at the end of the song he says "But I'm fine."

As crazy as it sounds, that song helped me in my darkest days.

Humans are social creatures & we need to have some sort of bond with other people, even in dark times, to feel alive. Loneliness eats away at your brain like a parasite. Hell, there is a reason why they put prisoners in solitary confinement. It's because loneliness is torturous.

I look at many of our young people and they're disconnected from each other. This might sound odd but when I was a kid, most pictures of people would be group & family photos. Today, our young people take photos alone & our families are disconnected.

If you know someone who is chronically lonely, be there for them. Just because they're an introvert doesn't mean they're immune to loneliness. Loneliness breeds more loneliness and you either accept your circumstance or...you end it in the most tragic way.

I chose to live and overcome that struggle so I could proudly repeat that final lyric 17 years later:

I'm fine.