Growing up without my father, there were many things that took me decades to figure out as a man. Now that my son is a teenager, I'm passing on a crucial lesson to approach life & relationships: Don't be a nice guy, be a polite guy. There is a difference.
Spot on although I am worried you might get push back.
I would also say the same applies to girls. We are so conditioned to be “nice” and also look desperate buying gifts too early, never having an opinion that is not the exact same as her current interest. Basically being without confidence that the real ‘you’ could still be interesting even if you sometimes disagree. A woman beehive will drill that into you.
Good read. I fell into the same line of thinking. For me it was bred from a lack of confidence. I didn’t think I was worthy of a women’s attention, and they could pick that up quickly. You’ll never respect anyone you feel sorry for.
Luckily I was able to find someone as well, we’ll be married 12 years in June. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become a little more sure of myself. I’ve learned to try and change things about myself I didn’t like. You can’t fully love someone until you can love yourself. It’s a battle I still have from time to time, but it’s definitely better then it was.
Completely agree, based on my own reflections as an old man. Old but experienced.
Can't resist the temptation to share, an average-looking guy we knew as young men (will call him Lane) seemed to get a lot of ass. Was reminiscing with a good friend, how did Lane get the girls? Friend's answer: He talked to them. It was true. Lane had the ability the rest of us lacked- to chat these girls up without revealing the kinds of anxieties Mr. Coleman writes about here.
Lane died a year or so ago, with throat cancer. Doctor told him it was from a virus he contracted through oral sex. Go figure.
Crude but funny joke- Why did God give women vaginas? So men would talk to them.
I grew-up without my father and struggled with this into my early 20's. One day, I was upset about a girl, and my mom came to me and said, "I can't believe I'm going to tell you this but, you're too nice to women. You need to make sure you are unavailable to them as much as possible early on."
The manosphere people actually do talk about female perception. The problem is it's the worst of them, the "Pick Up Artist" guys.
Their problem is they are all about validating yourself through women's attention. It works sometimes, the whole "fake it (confidence) till you make it" thing, but in the long run any man who validates himself through female attention is a damn fool.
I'm sending this to my nephews. Reminds of the time a guy brought flowers and candy on a first date and I got stalker vibes even though the guy was totally normal.
Interestingly this also holds true in long term relationships, albeit on a much subtler level. Such as the case where you are in the mood and she is politely shutting down all of your advances. Pouting or getting angry is always the wrong move. Instead dive into something you enjoy and ignore her for a while, not in a pouty way but in a “I’m having too much fun” kind of way. Believe me, it won’t be long before she is sidling up to you and getting frisky. Women need to know you can be happy without them, which raises your value and flips the dynamic of the situation.
It was a huge turning point in my life when I realized the same thing.
Women want men who have lots of options with other women. Too much immediate devotion implies you have no other options and are therefore not desirable.
Quite an interesting point of view between a ‘nice guy’ and a ‘polite guy’, as usual you applied a twist to an issue many men, as well as women perhaps, have encountered in the maturation process.
Nailed it! The "nice guy" bit also applies in male-male interactions. If I observe a male falling over himself trying to accommodate or please other males, I assume he's unable to take his own stand. If he can't take his own stand, how will he defend me (a woman)? There's a gulf of difference between "nice" and "polite."
Spot on although I am worried you might get push back.
I would also say the same applies to girls. We are so conditioned to be “nice” and also look desperate buying gifts too early, never having an opinion that is not the exact same as her current interest. Basically being without confidence that the real ‘you’ could still be interesting even if you sometimes disagree. A woman beehive will drill that into you.
Good read. I fell into the same line of thinking. For me it was bred from a lack of confidence. I didn’t think I was worthy of a women’s attention, and they could pick that up quickly. You’ll never respect anyone you feel sorry for.
Luckily I was able to find someone as well, we’ll be married 12 years in June. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become a little more sure of myself. I’ve learned to try and change things about myself I didn’t like. You can’t fully love someone until you can love yourself. It’s a battle I still have from time to time, but it’s definitely better then it was.
Completely agree, based on my own reflections as an old man. Old but experienced.
Can't resist the temptation to share, an average-looking guy we knew as young men (will call him Lane) seemed to get a lot of ass. Was reminiscing with a good friend, how did Lane get the girls? Friend's answer: He talked to them. It was true. Lane had the ability the rest of us lacked- to chat these girls up without revealing the kinds of anxieties Mr. Coleman writes about here.
Lane died a year or so ago, with throat cancer. Doctor told him it was from a virus he contracted through oral sex. Go figure.
Crude but funny joke- Why did God give women vaginas? So men would talk to them.
100% on this.
I grew-up without my father and struggled with this into my early 20's. One day, I was upset about a girl, and my mom came to me and said, "I can't believe I'm going to tell you this but, you're too nice to women. You need to make sure you are unavailable to them as much as possible early on."
And you know what...she was 100% right.
The manosphere people actually do talk about female perception. The problem is it's the worst of them, the "Pick Up Artist" guys.
Their problem is they are all about validating yourself through women's attention. It works sometimes, the whole "fake it (confidence) till you make it" thing, but in the long run any man who validates himself through female attention is a damn fool.
What you think of me is none of my business.
99% of you at least.
I'm sending this to my nephews. Reminds of the time a guy brought flowers and candy on a first date and I got stalker vibes even though the guy was totally normal.
Apologies for my tardy read.
100% agree with your take, Adam. Politeness rules. But honesty seals the deal.
I love your posts - keep em coming!
Interestingly this also holds true in long term relationships, albeit on a much subtler level. Such as the case where you are in the mood and she is politely shutting down all of your advances. Pouting or getting angry is always the wrong move. Instead dive into something you enjoy and ignore her for a while, not in a pouty way but in a “I’m having too much fun” kind of way. Believe me, it won’t be long before she is sidling up to you and getting frisky. Women need to know you can be happy without them, which raises your value and flips the dynamic of the situation.
You don't have to agree people you disagree with but be polite and if you want them to understand your views be as much to theirs.
It was a huge turning point in my life when I realized the same thing.
Women want men who have lots of options with other women. Too much immediate devotion implies you have no other options and are therefore not desirable.
Quite an interesting point of view between a ‘nice guy’ and a ‘polite guy’, as usual you applied a twist to an issue many men, as well as women perhaps, have encountered in the maturation process.
Thank you once again
Great insight, thanks!
Love this ! Had this exact convo w/my boyfriend recently about how he can still be a ‘good guy’ without being a ‘nice guy’. You explained it perfectly
Thanks that was well said
Nailed it! The "nice guy" bit also applies in male-male interactions. If I observe a male falling over himself trying to accommodate or please other males, I assume he's unable to take his own stand. If he can't take his own stand, how will he defend me (a woman)? There's a gulf of difference between "nice" and "polite."
I always enjoy your posts. Thank you.